Insanity!

Stress will literally kill you from the inside out. It causes weight gain, anxiety, sleep issues and many more adverse conditions. Stress is experienced by living either in the past, or the future. Both of these scenarios do not exist.

You can only control the now, and in that space of time, you can only control the way you act in it. You cannot control others emotions, you cannot control what others think, you cannot control any aspect of what is happening in the now other than what you do.


The world does not conspire either for, or against you.  It just is.

Knowing this, we still continue to march forward into the daily grind allowing the future or past to control our thoughts. This is insanity.

Understand that you have the ability to control your emotions. Find confidence in the knowledge that YOU are in control of your happiness, not anyone else. Each moment of your day is an opportunity to turn any given situation around. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to see the beauty in the now. CHOOSE to not let the past or future influence your mood.

You cannot see the future, and you cannot change the past. You can only change who you are in this moment. Choose to be your best version.

Choose love.

Veteran's Day 2016

Why do young men so eagerly run to the sounds of gunfire? Why does our world have a need for such total disregard of human life?

I spent 15 years of my life hating people from other countries simply because someone told me to. I went to war for this country in the name of Democracy and Patriotism.  My fellow man would have been better off had we all chosen to lay down our arms and love one another instead.

Big business, big oil, and all those invested in it have done nothing but degrade and separate this country since the industrial revolution. They pile their fortunes on the backs of dead veterans.

We, as a society, need to come together and realize how pointless all of this killing is.  We, as a people, need to start caring for each other instead of listening to the voice of the media that spews its’ hatred and contempt into the airwaves. We are making millionaires richer for destroying our planet and killing our sons and daughters.

On this Veteran’s Day, I celebrate my separation from all of the hatred and violence. Today I want to remember that there is good in everyone. That even though we fought, killed and died in war, perhaps one day we can all come together in peace and love.

Today I choose compassion in the face of hatred. Today I choose peace in place of violence.  Today I will meditate and give thanks for all of the wonderful gifts this country offers, while I ask that we find a peaceful resolution to all conflict.

Today I choose love.

Freedom!

When I think back about my childhood, I have a very warm feeling in my chest. I had a great childhood. I think about my parents and I feel loved. They did a great job. They worked hard, they made sure we had everything that my sister and I needed (often at the expense of something they wanted or needed), and on top of that we had some great vacations. Mom has always said that the yearly vacations we took were the only time my sister and I didn't fight. I believe we really just were able to be ourselves in that week because we unplugged from the expectations of society.

I have 3 very vivid and distinct memories. One of my mother telling me (justifiably so) that I didn't have what it took to be a Marine. One of my father and I in the garage after I had just returned from war and actually bonding with him over the fact that tracer rounds will actually burn all the way through a human body. And one of me telling my mother about hearing my dad having a nightmare at my Aunt's house while she wept to her sister about the issues they were having in relation to my father's PTSD.

I have other memories. Catching fish with my dad, snuggling with my mom at my Aunt's house with our dog, Gidget. Good memories. But they are hazy. So I started examining certain aspects of my life and came to realize that I have always lived my life trying to fit into this mold of who I thought the world expected me to be.

I have always been trying to make my dad proud of me. I have always been looking for acceptance from my mom.

My mom would tell me that I used to be the smart kid. I had the answers to all of the questions in school. Then the other kids always picked on me because I knew all of the answers. I let that pain control who I was, and instead became the class clown. Then people liked me.

I wanted to be a Marine because I thought that would be the ultimate way to prove to my dad that I was worthy of his love. I liked the fact that people didn't have to like you in the Marine Corps, but they had to respect your rank. And if you could lead by example, they truly respected you.

I can remember asking my mother if she thought that God was punishing me for the bad things I had done in my life. I was suicidal at the time.

These are all just random thoughts I was having and typing as they came to me, but they are all leading to the same spot. I wasn't being true to myself.

My parents loved me, unconditionally. They have proven that time and time again in my life, and continue to still. My mom and dad have always accepted me for who I was, and who I am today.

A lot of the heaviness I have been feeling has had to do with my own feelings of inadequacy as a father. My oldest son doesn't speak to me, his brother and I don't really know each other (not for his lack of trying), and my oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I'm just getting to know my 8 year old again, we have been Skyping weekly.

However, none of them really know who I am now. They don't know the work I have put into myself in order to become the best version of me that I can.

And today I realized something. It doesn't matter. I can't control what anyone thinks of me. It truly doesn't matter what I say, I can never worry enough to make someone love me.

Oh there is freedom in this. I don't need love from anyone, because I AM LOVE. I stopped writing this blog today in order to create a following. It truly doesn't matter what I write here. It isn't for you. This is me working my own problems out, and if that can help someone, then they will see it if they are in alignment with it. Today I deleted Facebook from my phone, deactivated my account and also uninstalled every video game I had on this computer. Today I stopped looking for love from outside sources.

Imagine where I will be tomorrow...

Vulnerability

Picture this scenario:  You're driving down I-5 North at 65 mph in the rain, leaving an appropriate distance between you and the car ahead of you, when a car driving 60 mph suddenly pulls from the right lane into yours.  You now have to hit your brakes in order to keep from hitting him, and you see headlights in your rear view mirror fast approaching.

Reaction 1:  "DICK! Man! I wish people would learn how to drive! It's not like it never rains in Seattle."

Reaction 2:  "Well then... You must be in a hurry. I'm thankful I was allowing enough room for just this situation."

Which version would you say best describes you?  I'm sure we have days when we could be either.  But let's take it just a little further down the rabbit hole.  What if I were to tell you that you aren't either version?  What if I told you that you have a lifetime of being conditioned into thinking that you are "less than", when in truth,  you are infinite potential.

You actually aren't either voice.  You are the quiet observer that sees both voices.  How many times have you started to be Reaction 1, then realized that wasn't in alignment with who you wanted to be, and became Reaction 2 instead?  So you aren't either version, you're true self is the one you are trying to get into alignment with!  Roll that around a bit and let it sink in. 

This would be where I would drop the mic and walk off stage, but I want to give you another perspective. 

I am a nurse, and I have lost every ounce of faith in the healthcare system.  Insurance companies don't offer any assurance, or insurance, that you will be covered for any ailment, and if you are covered, you are often cut far too soon.  The curriculum for the medicine we practice was developed by the companies that sell the medication doctors are instructed to prescribe.  The list is long.

So why do I go to work and truly love what I do?  Because I am not a part of that system.  I have a choice to brighten the world around me in spite of that system.  I can choose to be a walking example of compassion for the struggle of those around me.  I can offer so much more just by realizing that I am not Reaction 1 screaming: "THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN" thus causing more attention to be drawn to and energy focused on the system I have lost faith in, or Reaction 2 possibly siding with the patient crying: "The system is broken, I'm truly sorry...".  I am the observer that realizes I am so much bigger than any system.

I am the example.  I am proof that you can heal with love and empathy for your fellow man.  I am the realization that every person in every bed I see, is just another version of myself.  We are all this incredible version of God.  We are all capable of so much more when we open our hearts and become vulnerable. 

We owe it to our children to at least try.  Leave them a world worth living in.  One without war or hate.  Start to realize the potential within yourself and be the example.

Transformation

trans·form

tran(t)sˈfôrm/

verb

verb: transform; 3rd person present: transforms; past tense: transformed; past participle: transformed; gerund or present participle: transforming

1.

  make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of.

Let's take it a step further. "Think of it as two words. The second word is form. It means the physical world you live in, and all of the boundaries we experience in our life. That's our form. It's our body. And then trans which is put as a prefix, in front of our form. And the prefix trans means to go beyond, to soar above, to go past. So transforming really means going beyond your form. That is, going beyond the limits of your body." ~Wayne Dyer - 101 Ways to Transform Your Life.

I wanted to title this blog, "I Have Evolved." Evolving happens slowly over time however, and the profound change I feel within myself is too big for that. Every day I try to be a better version of myself than the day before, and in that sense I suppose I am evolving, but today I can truly tell you that I am not the same man I was yesterday.

I have my wife to thank for that. Even when I am at my worst, she allows me to be who I am. She makes it OK to be vulnerable. And when I have no right to receive it, she trusts me enough to tell me her deepest fears and insecurities. She demonstrates a faith in me that I will take that information and show empathy and compassion instead of using it as a weapon or way to deflect off of myself. 

This morning played out in just this fashion. Because of that, I was able to see the world from a very different perspective. I had no words to convey the shame and heartbreak I felt with this new knowledge. At the same time, I could feel a strange sensation in my chest. It wasn't an alarming feeling, or one that caused me discomfort. I had only given it a passing thought at the time. When I think back on it now, it is the same feeling I get when I look at my wife and she doesn't know I'm staring at her. Or when my baby boy looks at me and smiles. Or when I hear my sweet Muffinbutt say, "I wuv Dadda." Love. I was feeling my spirit shift out of love. I believe that. 

I made a vow to myself that I was going to take back control of my life today. I was going to start writing my future again. I swore my wife would never doubt how much I loved her, that she would always know that she is the only woman I have ever truly loved more than myself. I want her to know, through my actions, just how much I appreciate her. How thankful I am for her. I swore I would always try to be worthy of her. 

Prior to this morning, I thought I was a pretty stand up guy who was capable of seeing the world from a compassionate point of view. I want to be happy, I try to think happy thoughts. Law of Attraction and all that... Then I got to see the world from my wife's perspective. When you look through the eyes of someone who genuinely cares as much for strangers as she does her own family, someone who will always blame herself first for any argument, someone who sacrifices so much of herself and puts her dreams and goals on hold for the opportunity to play with her children... When you do that and you are willing to let it take you wherever it goes, you cannot help but be changed. I thought I had become a good person, and then I got to touch my wife's bare soul only to realize just how far I had to go just to be worthy of her love.

I'm a little awkward in this new me, I am still learning how to be genuine without being a dick. But man, the world looks amazing tonight. I had an incredible meditation, an urge to write, and I have never felt more blessed and thankful to be in this moment than I do right now.

I have no right to give anyone advice, but for the 2 or 3 people who read this, I beg you to just let go. Trust in God, whatever name he goes by, and know in your heart that things will always work out for you. Make your mantra, "I want to be happy" and do whatever it takes to make it happen. If you are lucky enough to find the other half of your soul in your lifetime, devote yourself to them completely. Love them so hard it hurts and never let them have to wonder if they are enough. Prove to them through your actions that they are loved, because words don't teach. Most importantly, strive to be the man she thinks you are. She will love you wherever you are at, but don't be fooled. She knows you. And she knows what you are capable of. Be worthy.

This is a public "shout out" to my homie. Thank you for being my best friend and for the enormous heart you must have to be able to forgive a fool like me time and time again. I will do my best to deserve you.

Perfect Health

We all want to achieve perfect health, but what does that really look like? For some, it could be the 240 pound woman who is now the 180 pound man. For others, it could mean the 285 pound woman who is now a size 6. And yet for some it is a lifestyle of eating organic and going to the gym 4 days a week.

For me, perfect health the the absence of disease. Dis~ease. It is the realization that disease is a human creation and not from who we truly are. We are, at our core, at ease. At peace, not just with ourselves, but with everyone and everything around us.

It comes with knowing that you are so much more than this body, that you have within you the Power that creates worlds.


Once you turn your eyes from what the world wants you to see, once you see how the media dictates the mood of the masses, once you experience just a single moment in true alignment with who you really are, so much weight is lifted off your shoulders. You are no longer burdened with the system and it's self proclaimed authority over you. You see it for what it is. And you start to educate yourself on how to take your life back, to influence change, to improve your life.

My daughter reminds me every day of how much I take for granted. We were at the ocean yesterday, and after I carried her down to the sand, I set her down so she could take in this vast body of water we had in front of us. She looked up at me and smiled, got wide-eyed, and whispered, "Wooooooooow."

In that moment I was able to stop and revisit my initial observations, and look at my surroundings again - from the perspective of a 2 foot high miracle seeing it all for the first time in her new body. SHE puts me into alignment more often than not, because I have learned to listen to my heart. And I am proud to admit that she teaches me more about living than I have ever learned in nearly half a century of journeys. For the ability to do that, I thank my wife. She has shown me how to love myself, and in doing so, given me permission to love her more than the air I breath.

So, back to the original question: What does disease look like?

I think I just painted a pretty clear description of what it looks like in my life. It also looks like Chewbacca Mom, the 240 pound woman now turned buff man, the size 6 and 7 and 8's on up and down. It looks like you, like me, and even like that man who was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. We are all connected, we are all the same. Disease comes when we separate from our Source. Disease is the result of not being in harmony with yourself, and Nature.

We, as a people, need to stop focusing on the disease of our world and start making decisions about our own lives. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. Start acting like it and stop blaming everything the media tells you to blame. Educate yourselves, learn about the things that make you excited, stop watching repeat after repeat of the same violent and hate filled messages on the TV and spend a few moments outside, or painting, or playing music. Learn how to knit that blanket, or grow the biggest tomato without hurting the environment. See how easy it is to be good at something you are passionate about. See how naturally you learn about it, how quickly you pick up little ideas of how to improve your own version of something.

Start focusing on this moment. Here is where you can make a difference. Start loving and being grateful for this moment. It's really all that we have.

I Have A Dream

I want to be a farmer. Not in the traditional sense maybe, but I want land and huge, beautiful gardens. I'm tired of working for other people. I want to do something with my life that gives back to the Earth we live on. To it's people. I want something positive to leave my children.

My wife and I have a dream to own land one day. We want to grow food organically and give it to our community when they need it. We want to invite people out for bonfires and cooking. We want to own a food truck that we can drive down through Seattle and feed the homeless with. We want to have clothing and coat drives in the late summer and early fall so that we can give them to those less fortunate who must brave the elements in the colder season.

I am tired of spending 2/3 of my day away from my family because survival depends on it. I am tired of other people dictating my future.

I can picture a Mead Hall (I don't know what else to call it, it resembles something I saw on Vikings) on our land where we throw parties and feasts when the weather is fowl. Large fireplaces on each end of the room with a smaller (maybe gas) fireplace that runs the length of the hall down the center of it. Large wooden tables are set up on either side of the middle fire pit and I picture friends and family sitting on either side laughing and eating.

I see beautiful gardens and pastures of wildflowers. I want to work all day with my kids and wife in the mud and dirt maintaining them.

I picture my older children taking my younger children out (and grandchildren) and building forts in the woods. I see a large guest house where family comes to stay often.

This is just a glimpse of what my wife and I have discussed. We have no idea how we are going to get there either. But we believe that someday we will have it. And, from what the Universe has taught me, that's the biggest part of it.

Last night my wife got me thinking hard about it again. I had been side tracked by life's follies lately. Today I am back on course. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is that yesterday does not define who you are today.

I am not the same man my older children knew. They don't understand that. They have an image of a guy they used to know, and a couple of them hold onto that with a passion.  I can't blame them, they think that they have to be who the world thinks they are still themselves. There comes a time in everyone's life, I believe, that they decide they are who they are and stop trying to be this version of themselves that will make everyone else happy. Some call that selfish, as if that is a bad thing. But it's not.

You see, until you come to a place where you can be the best version of yourself for nobody else but you, then you can't be that person for anyone else either. And until you understand that it really doesn't matter what other people think about you, then I don't think you can be as compassionate to others as you are meant to be.

We weren't put on this Earth to hoard our wealth and to envy other people. We were put here to do our best individually so that we can be a part of something greater. We thrive in communities, we nourish with our love, and we find ourselves in giving back to others.

When you get on board with that knowledge it truly is amazing to see how the Universe just puts things in your path to make it easier.

I was stressing about today. It's a turning point for me at work, a new opportunity that I was a little afraid of. Until last night. My wife, without even knowing it, set me straight. Today I embrace change, and I welcome any new adventure. Only in resistance to it do we find hardship.

Today, take the time to look around at all the amazing things that surround you. Literally stop and smell the flowers. Hug a tree. Walk barefoot in the mud. It's in the small, seemingly mundane things that we find the most beauty. Nothing about your life is by accident, it was all influenced by your decisions. Doesn't it stand to reason then that if you are unhappy with what you see, you can simply decide to start looking for something else?

Without change there can be no change, change the way you look at things and the things you look at change!

Understand that life is short and so precious. Don't waste it worrying about what other people think of you when their thoughts are none of your business.

I am taken care of. I will always come out on top. I don't rely on other people to lift me up, my happiness is not their responsibility. I alone have the power to choose happiness even if everything seems to be going wrong.

Today do something nice for you. Then share it with someone else. There is power in that.

Falling off the wagon

It's been a long time since I posted, and because of that, this will likely be a long read. I have a lot to get off my chest, however, and since this blog is therapy for me - and an option for you - I don't see the harm in it.

The previous posts are all about being on your "high flying disc" as Abraham Hicks would put it. It's easy to look around from up there and see where you need to go next, but what happens when you fall off it?

The last month has been one of the most challenging I have ever had. I have more empathy for single parents now than I ever did. I started my day by going to work, then I would come home and take care of the baby, clean, cook and get the baby ready for bed. My wife would go to sleep when the kid did around 6:30, so I basically spent my evenings alone. Wake up the next day and wash, rinse, repeat.

It really didn't take long for me to stop meditating, and I could feel the results of that immediately. I started to get angry quicker, I was more irritable, I was exhausted at the end of the day and woke up the next morning forcing thoughts of calling in sick to work out of my head.

I would get to work and be unhappy. It started to permeate everything and I carried it like a weight. It was obvious to my wife, I'm sure my daughter recognized it, but I would try to put on my best face for them regardless and power through the day.

It sucked. But let me tell you why. Because I was looking at it (most of the time) through the eyes of my ego. My ego feels like I should get something back for my efforts. My ego wonders if she is really as sick as she presents. My ego is all about MY comfort and people serving me. Love is about serving others.

I tried to remind myself during my quiet time at night about how all of that was selfish and I would remind myself about the lessons of Wayne, James, Radleigh, Abraham, and those great teachers I listened to and read. I would feel a little better at night, tell myself I need to make time to meditate in the morning, and start my day the same way I had the previous one.

Yesterday we were listening to a clip of Tony Robbins talking about getting back up after being down. He said that even he still gets down, but the difference is he doesn't stay there. It's a choice whether or not you let yourself feel that way. You are in control of your own happiness, and you have the power to pick yourself up.

Yesterday I also got my wife back. She seemed to turn a corner and I know for a fact she was feeling better because she started talking when I got home and didn't stop until she went to bed. It was like we hadn't seen each other in a month, and in a sense, we hadn't.

Yesterday was also one of the worst days at work I have had in a LONG time.

All of it came together and I realized I had a choice to make. I could continue down the road I was on, feeling used up and tired, or I could take back control of my life. I chose to take my life back.

So here I am today, and let me tell you the difference in perspective is amazing. I now look back at that month and think of how amazing it was to be able to spend that much time with my daughter. She was frustrating at times, when she gets tired she pushes buttons on purpose, but the majority of the time we played. We watched her TV shows, we cuddled and had tea parties. I have a stronger connection with my child right now than I ever had with any of my other kids. And that's a shame. I missed out on so much. That's a topic for another day, though.

Today I meditated. Today I am grateful for the job I have. Today I am thankful for a wife who, even thought she couldn't even shower some days without throwing up, never stopped saying thank you to me for being there for them.

It really is about perspective. This last month has proven that to me. You see what you choose to see. My wife is having a good day so far. But this evening could be another story. That doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is after all. Today I am choosing to see the positive. Today I take my life back and stop feeling sorry for myself. Today I am going to be the man my wife thinks I am.

Today I challenge you to be the best version of you that you can be. Not for anyone else but yourself. See the good. We have enough negativity from other sources in our lives, don't be a contributing factor. Don't create your own obstacles.

Put love first. Put yourself first. That doesn't mean that I stop doing what I need to do, it means that I don't need to be resentful for doing it. Because love is about service. It's about sacrifice and giving. There is so much more reciprocation from the universe when you put love first.

Today is a new day. Today is your day. Seize it.