Freedom!

When I think back about my childhood, I have a very warm feeling in my chest. I had a great childhood. I think about my parents and I feel loved. They did a great job. They worked hard, they made sure we had everything that my sister and I needed (often at the expense of something they wanted or needed), and on top of that we had some great vacations. Mom has always said that the yearly vacations we took were the only time my sister and I didn't fight. I believe we really just were able to be ourselves in that week because we unplugged from the expectations of society.

I have 3 very vivid and distinct memories. One of my mother telling me (justifiably so) that I didn't have what it took to be a Marine. One of my father and I in the garage after I had just returned from war and actually bonding with him over the fact that tracer rounds will actually burn all the way through a human body. And one of me telling my mother about hearing my dad having a nightmare at my Aunt's house while she wept to her sister about the issues they were having in relation to my father's PTSD.

I have other memories. Catching fish with my dad, snuggling with my mom at my Aunt's house with our dog, Gidget. Good memories. But they are hazy. So I started examining certain aspects of my life and came to realize that I have always lived my life trying to fit into this mold of who I thought the world expected me to be.

I have always been trying to make my dad proud of me. I have always been looking for acceptance from my mom.

My mom would tell me that I used to be the smart kid. I had the answers to all of the questions in school. Then the other kids always picked on me because I knew all of the answers. I let that pain control who I was, and instead became the class clown. Then people liked me.

I wanted to be a Marine because I thought that would be the ultimate way to prove to my dad that I was worthy of his love. I liked the fact that people didn't have to like you in the Marine Corps, but they had to respect your rank. And if you could lead by example, they truly respected you.

I can remember asking my mother if she thought that God was punishing me for the bad things I had done in my life. I was suicidal at the time.

These are all just random thoughts I was having and typing as they came to me, but they are all leading to the same spot. I wasn't being true to myself.

My parents loved me, unconditionally. They have proven that time and time again in my life, and continue to still. My mom and dad have always accepted me for who I was, and who I am today.

A lot of the heaviness I have been feeling has had to do with my own feelings of inadequacy as a father. My oldest son doesn't speak to me, his brother and I don't really know each other (not for his lack of trying), and my oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I'm just getting to know my 8 year old again, we have been Skyping weekly.

However, none of them really know who I am now. They don't know the work I have put into myself in order to become the best version of me that I can.

And today I realized something. It doesn't matter. I can't control what anyone thinks of me. It truly doesn't matter what I say, I can never worry enough to make someone love me.

Oh there is freedom in this. I don't need love from anyone, because I AM LOVE. I stopped writing this blog today in order to create a following. It truly doesn't matter what I write here. It isn't for you. This is me working my own problems out, and if that can help someone, then they will see it if they are in alignment with it. Today I deleted Facebook from my phone, deactivated my account and also uninstalled every video game I had on this computer. Today I stopped looking for love from outside sources.

Imagine where I will be tomorrow...