Transformation

trans·form

tran(t)sˈfôrm/

verb

verb: transform; 3rd person present: transforms; past tense: transformed; past participle: transformed; gerund or present participle: transforming

1.

  make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of.

Let's take it a step further. "Think of it as two words. The second word is form. It means the physical world you live in, and all of the boundaries we experience in our life. That's our form. It's our body. And then trans which is put as a prefix, in front of our form. And the prefix trans means to go beyond, to soar above, to go past. So transforming really means going beyond your form. That is, going beyond the limits of your body." ~Wayne Dyer - 101 Ways to Transform Your Life.

I wanted to title this blog, "I Have Evolved." Evolving happens slowly over time however, and the profound change I feel within myself is too big for that. Every day I try to be a better version of myself than the day before, and in that sense I suppose I am evolving, but today I can truly tell you that I am not the same man I was yesterday.

I have my wife to thank for that. Even when I am at my worst, she allows me to be who I am. She makes it OK to be vulnerable. And when I have no right to receive it, she trusts me enough to tell me her deepest fears and insecurities. She demonstrates a faith in me that I will take that information and show empathy and compassion instead of using it as a weapon or way to deflect off of myself. 

This morning played out in just this fashion. Because of that, I was able to see the world from a very different perspective. I had no words to convey the shame and heartbreak I felt with this new knowledge. At the same time, I could feel a strange sensation in my chest. It wasn't an alarming feeling, or one that caused me discomfort. I had only given it a passing thought at the time. When I think back on it now, it is the same feeling I get when I look at my wife and she doesn't know I'm staring at her. Or when my baby boy looks at me and smiles. Or when I hear my sweet Muffinbutt say, "I wuv Dadda." Love. I was feeling my spirit shift out of love. I believe that. 

I made a vow to myself that I was going to take back control of my life today. I was going to start writing my future again. I swore my wife would never doubt how much I loved her, that she would always know that she is the only woman I have ever truly loved more than myself. I want her to know, through my actions, just how much I appreciate her. How thankful I am for her. I swore I would always try to be worthy of her. 

Prior to this morning, I thought I was a pretty stand up guy who was capable of seeing the world from a compassionate point of view. I want to be happy, I try to think happy thoughts. Law of Attraction and all that... Then I got to see the world from my wife's perspective. When you look through the eyes of someone who genuinely cares as much for strangers as she does her own family, someone who will always blame herself first for any argument, someone who sacrifices so much of herself and puts her dreams and goals on hold for the opportunity to play with her children... When you do that and you are willing to let it take you wherever it goes, you cannot help but be changed. I thought I had become a good person, and then I got to touch my wife's bare soul only to realize just how far I had to go just to be worthy of her love.

I'm a little awkward in this new me, I am still learning how to be genuine without being a dick. But man, the world looks amazing tonight. I had an incredible meditation, an urge to write, and I have never felt more blessed and thankful to be in this moment than I do right now.

I have no right to give anyone advice, but for the 2 or 3 people who read this, I beg you to just let go. Trust in God, whatever name he goes by, and know in your heart that things will always work out for you. Make your mantra, "I want to be happy" and do whatever it takes to make it happen. If you are lucky enough to find the other half of your soul in your lifetime, devote yourself to them completely. Love them so hard it hurts and never let them have to wonder if they are enough. Prove to them through your actions that they are loved, because words don't teach. Most importantly, strive to be the man she thinks you are. She will love you wherever you are at, but don't be fooled. She knows you. And she knows what you are capable of. Be worthy.

This is a public "shout out" to my homie. Thank you for being my best friend and for the enormous heart you must have to be able to forgive a fool like me time and time again. I will do my best to deserve you.