Vulnerability

Picture this scenario:  You're driving down I-5 North at 65 mph in the rain, leaving an appropriate distance between you and the car ahead of you, when a car driving 60 mph suddenly pulls from the right lane into yours.  You now have to hit your brakes in order to keep from hitting him, and you see headlights in your rear view mirror fast approaching.

Reaction 1:  "DICK! Man! I wish people would learn how to drive! It's not like it never rains in Seattle."

Reaction 2:  "Well then... You must be in a hurry. I'm thankful I was allowing enough room for just this situation."

Which version would you say best describes you?  I'm sure we have days when we could be either.  But let's take it just a little further down the rabbit hole.  What if I were to tell you that you aren't either version?  What if I told you that you have a lifetime of being conditioned into thinking that you are "less than", when in truth,  you are infinite potential.

You actually aren't either voice.  You are the quiet observer that sees both voices.  How many times have you started to be Reaction 1, then realized that wasn't in alignment with who you wanted to be, and became Reaction 2 instead?  So you aren't either version, you're true self is the one you are trying to get into alignment with!  Roll that around a bit and let it sink in. 

This would be where I would drop the mic and walk off stage, but I want to give you another perspective. 

I am a nurse, and I have lost every ounce of faith in the healthcare system.  Insurance companies don't offer any assurance, or insurance, that you will be covered for any ailment, and if you are covered, you are often cut far too soon.  The curriculum for the medicine we practice was developed by the companies that sell the medication doctors are instructed to prescribe.  The list is long.

So why do I go to work and truly love what I do?  Because I am not a part of that system.  I have a choice to brighten the world around me in spite of that system.  I can choose to be a walking example of compassion for the struggle of those around me.  I can offer so much more just by realizing that I am not Reaction 1 screaming: "THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN" thus causing more attention to be drawn to and energy focused on the system I have lost faith in, or Reaction 2 possibly siding with the patient crying: "The system is broken, I'm truly sorry...".  I am the observer that realizes I am so much bigger than any system.

I am the example.  I am proof that you can heal with love and empathy for your fellow man.  I am the realization that every person in every bed I see, is just another version of myself.  We are all this incredible version of God.  We are all capable of so much more when we open our hearts and become vulnerable. 

We owe it to our children to at least try.  Leave them a world worth living in.  One without war or hate.  Start to realize the potential within yourself and be the example.

Transformation

trans·form

tran(t)sˈfôrm/

verb

verb: transform; 3rd person present: transforms; past tense: transformed; past participle: transformed; gerund or present participle: transforming

1.

  make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, appearance, or character of.

Let's take it a step further. "Think of it as two words. The second word is form. It means the physical world you live in, and all of the boundaries we experience in our life. That's our form. It's our body. And then trans which is put as a prefix, in front of our form. And the prefix trans means to go beyond, to soar above, to go past. So transforming really means going beyond your form. That is, going beyond the limits of your body." ~Wayne Dyer - 101 Ways to Transform Your Life.

I wanted to title this blog, "I Have Evolved." Evolving happens slowly over time however, and the profound change I feel within myself is too big for that. Every day I try to be a better version of myself than the day before, and in that sense I suppose I am evolving, but today I can truly tell you that I am not the same man I was yesterday.

I have my wife to thank for that. Even when I am at my worst, she allows me to be who I am. She makes it OK to be vulnerable. And when I have no right to receive it, she trusts me enough to tell me her deepest fears and insecurities. She demonstrates a faith in me that I will take that information and show empathy and compassion instead of using it as a weapon or way to deflect off of myself. 

This morning played out in just this fashion. Because of that, I was able to see the world from a very different perspective. I had no words to convey the shame and heartbreak I felt with this new knowledge. At the same time, I could feel a strange sensation in my chest. It wasn't an alarming feeling, or one that caused me discomfort. I had only given it a passing thought at the time. When I think back on it now, it is the same feeling I get when I look at my wife and she doesn't know I'm staring at her. Or when my baby boy looks at me and smiles. Or when I hear my sweet Muffinbutt say, "I wuv Dadda." Love. I was feeling my spirit shift out of love. I believe that. 

I made a vow to myself that I was going to take back control of my life today. I was going to start writing my future again. I swore my wife would never doubt how much I loved her, that she would always know that she is the only woman I have ever truly loved more than myself. I want her to know, through my actions, just how much I appreciate her. How thankful I am for her. I swore I would always try to be worthy of her. 

Prior to this morning, I thought I was a pretty stand up guy who was capable of seeing the world from a compassionate point of view. I want to be happy, I try to think happy thoughts. Law of Attraction and all that... Then I got to see the world from my wife's perspective. When you look through the eyes of someone who genuinely cares as much for strangers as she does her own family, someone who will always blame herself first for any argument, someone who sacrifices so much of herself and puts her dreams and goals on hold for the opportunity to play with her children... When you do that and you are willing to let it take you wherever it goes, you cannot help but be changed. I thought I had become a good person, and then I got to touch my wife's bare soul only to realize just how far I had to go just to be worthy of her love.

I'm a little awkward in this new me, I am still learning how to be genuine without being a dick. But man, the world looks amazing tonight. I had an incredible meditation, an urge to write, and I have never felt more blessed and thankful to be in this moment than I do right now.

I have no right to give anyone advice, but for the 2 or 3 people who read this, I beg you to just let go. Trust in God, whatever name he goes by, and know in your heart that things will always work out for you. Make your mantra, "I want to be happy" and do whatever it takes to make it happen. If you are lucky enough to find the other half of your soul in your lifetime, devote yourself to them completely. Love them so hard it hurts and never let them have to wonder if they are enough. Prove to them through your actions that they are loved, because words don't teach. Most importantly, strive to be the man she thinks you are. She will love you wherever you are at, but don't be fooled. She knows you. And she knows what you are capable of. Be worthy.

This is a public "shout out" to my homie. Thank you for being my best friend and for the enormous heart you must have to be able to forgive a fool like me time and time again. I will do my best to deserve you.

Perfect Health

We all want to achieve perfect health, but what does that really look like? For some, it could be the 240 pound woman who is now the 180 pound man. For others, it could mean the 285 pound woman who is now a size 6. And yet for some it is a lifestyle of eating organic and going to the gym 4 days a week.

For me, perfect health the the absence of disease. Dis~ease. It is the realization that disease is a human creation and not from who we truly are. We are, at our core, at ease. At peace, not just with ourselves, but with everyone and everything around us.

It comes with knowing that you are so much more than this body, that you have within you the Power that creates worlds.


Once you turn your eyes from what the world wants you to see, once you see how the media dictates the mood of the masses, once you experience just a single moment in true alignment with who you really are, so much weight is lifted off your shoulders. You are no longer burdened with the system and it's self proclaimed authority over you. You see it for what it is. And you start to educate yourself on how to take your life back, to influence change, to improve your life.

My daughter reminds me every day of how much I take for granted. We were at the ocean yesterday, and after I carried her down to the sand, I set her down so she could take in this vast body of water we had in front of us. She looked up at me and smiled, got wide-eyed, and whispered, "Wooooooooow."

In that moment I was able to stop and revisit my initial observations, and look at my surroundings again - from the perspective of a 2 foot high miracle seeing it all for the first time in her new body. SHE puts me into alignment more often than not, because I have learned to listen to my heart. And I am proud to admit that she teaches me more about living than I have ever learned in nearly half a century of journeys. For the ability to do that, I thank my wife. She has shown me how to love myself, and in doing so, given me permission to love her more than the air I breath.

So, back to the original question: What does disease look like?

I think I just painted a pretty clear description of what it looks like in my life. It also looks like Chewbacca Mom, the 240 pound woman now turned buff man, the size 6 and 7 and 8's on up and down. It looks like you, like me, and even like that man who was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. We are all connected, we are all the same. Disease comes when we separate from our Source. Disease is the result of not being in harmony with yourself, and Nature.

We, as a people, need to stop focusing on the disease of our world and start making decisions about our own lives. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. Start acting like it and stop blaming everything the media tells you to blame. Educate yourselves, learn about the things that make you excited, stop watching repeat after repeat of the same violent and hate filled messages on the TV and spend a few moments outside, or painting, or playing music. Learn how to knit that blanket, or grow the biggest tomato without hurting the environment. See how easy it is to be good at something you are passionate about. See how naturally you learn about it, how quickly you pick up little ideas of how to improve your own version of something.

Start focusing on this moment. Here is where you can make a difference. Start loving and being grateful for this moment. It's really all that we have.

Falling off the wagon

It's been a long time since I posted, and because of that, this will likely be a long read. I have a lot to get off my chest, however, and since this blog is therapy for me - and an option for you - I don't see the harm in it.

The previous posts are all about being on your "high flying disc" as Abraham Hicks would put it. It's easy to look around from up there and see where you need to go next, but what happens when you fall off it?

The last month has been one of the most challenging I have ever had. I have more empathy for single parents now than I ever did. I started my day by going to work, then I would come home and take care of the baby, clean, cook and get the baby ready for bed. My wife would go to sleep when the kid did around 6:30, so I basically spent my evenings alone. Wake up the next day and wash, rinse, repeat.

It really didn't take long for me to stop meditating, and I could feel the results of that immediately. I started to get angry quicker, I was more irritable, I was exhausted at the end of the day and woke up the next morning forcing thoughts of calling in sick to work out of my head.

I would get to work and be unhappy. It started to permeate everything and I carried it like a weight. It was obvious to my wife, I'm sure my daughter recognized it, but I would try to put on my best face for them regardless and power through the day.

It sucked. But let me tell you why. Because I was looking at it (most of the time) through the eyes of my ego. My ego feels like I should get something back for my efforts. My ego wonders if she is really as sick as she presents. My ego is all about MY comfort and people serving me. Love is about serving others.

I tried to remind myself during my quiet time at night about how all of that was selfish and I would remind myself about the lessons of Wayne, James, Radleigh, Abraham, and those great teachers I listened to and read. I would feel a little better at night, tell myself I need to make time to meditate in the morning, and start my day the same way I had the previous one.

Yesterday we were listening to a clip of Tony Robbins talking about getting back up after being down. He said that even he still gets down, but the difference is he doesn't stay there. It's a choice whether or not you let yourself feel that way. You are in control of your own happiness, and you have the power to pick yourself up.

Yesterday I also got my wife back. She seemed to turn a corner and I know for a fact she was feeling better because she started talking when I got home and didn't stop until she went to bed. It was like we hadn't seen each other in a month, and in a sense, we hadn't.

Yesterday was also one of the worst days at work I have had in a LONG time.

All of it came together and I realized I had a choice to make. I could continue down the road I was on, feeling used up and tired, or I could take back control of my life. I chose to take my life back.

So here I am today, and let me tell you the difference in perspective is amazing. I now look back at that month and think of how amazing it was to be able to spend that much time with my daughter. She was frustrating at times, when she gets tired she pushes buttons on purpose, but the majority of the time we played. We watched her TV shows, we cuddled and had tea parties. I have a stronger connection with my child right now than I ever had with any of my other kids. And that's a shame. I missed out on so much. That's a topic for another day, though.

Today I meditated. Today I am grateful for the job I have. Today I am thankful for a wife who, even thought she couldn't even shower some days without throwing up, never stopped saying thank you to me for being there for them.

It really is about perspective. This last month has proven that to me. You see what you choose to see. My wife is having a good day so far. But this evening could be another story. That doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is after all. Today I am choosing to see the positive. Today I take my life back and stop feeling sorry for myself. Today I am going to be the man my wife thinks I am.

Today I challenge you to be the best version of you that you can be. Not for anyone else but yourself. See the good. We have enough negativity from other sources in our lives, don't be a contributing factor. Don't create your own obstacles.

Put love first. Put yourself first. That doesn't mean that I stop doing what I need to do, it means that I don't need to be resentful for doing it. Because love is about service. It's about sacrifice and giving. There is so much more reciprocation from the universe when you put love first.

Today is a new day. Today is your day. Seize it.

On Parenting

Today I’m going to speak mainly to my son and daughter in-law, but it will apply to anyone who is on the brink of becoming a new parent.

Many people may not think I should be giving advice about being a parent when I’ve managed to muddle the parenting of my older kids, but the truth is I’m not the same father they knew. I’m not the same man. So what I have to say is relevant and it comes from a perspective of love.

I want to let you know about some things that nobody told me about.

First, I want you to know that it’s totally fine to be scared, even terrified. Most of us at this stage have issues with taking care of ourselves, let alone another tiny human being. It’s OK. You will get through this.

It’s OK to not have an answer and to make it up as you go. I’m pretty sure your intent isn’t to harm the baby, so get creative! Need to pee but the kid is teething and freaks when you put him down? Then go pee with the baby, or… wait for it… put the baby down and go pee. It’s OK if he cries for a few minutes. It won’t break him.

When you first get home from the hospital with your new bundle of joy, it’s OK to tell people not to come visit. You will be tired, very tired. Sleep when the baby sleeps, nap when you can, and let the housework move a little lower down the list of priorities. Your main focus is that baby and rest, it’s OK if the dishes pile up a little or you wear the same sweatshirt as yesterday. If people want to visit, tell them they have to bring a dish of food or they will need to do a load of laundry or wash some dishes to help out if they want to see the baby. Seriously! If they don’t understand, then they probably don’t need to be in your life anyway.

To my son, if you have time at home (vacation) after the baby is born, do as much as possible to help Mom. Get up with her when she feeds in the middle of the night. Even if she breast feeds and all you can do is let her lean on you, do it. Be there for her. Build that bond early with your son. You won’t regret it.

It’s OK if you want the baby to sleep with you. People who say not to are going to quote crib manufacturers who say it isn’t safe. Our daughter still sleeps with us and will for as long as she likes to. I can’t believe I made my kids “cry it out” now that I’ve experienced this side. Think about that one, for centuries families have slept together in caves, tee-pees, cabins on the prairie, and then the industrial revolution kicks in and all of a sudden it’s not OK for your kids to sleep with you anymore. In a world that breeds separation and segregation, your home should be a place of gathering and love. Ultimately it’s your choice how you want to raise your child, don’t let people tell you “the best way” when they have no experience in anything else. Use your own judgement and follow your heart. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT. It’s your home, your rules, and you never have to apologize for it. Attachment parenting has been a gift to me, and I would love to teach you more about it if you’re interested.

Ask for help. You will be so overwhelmed with everything going on, there will be things that you think you will be able to do that keep getting put aside because the baby requires more attention than you planned for. Let friends and family run errands for you if they are willing. If someone asks if they can help, put their ass to work. If they offer a second time, you will know they are truly your friend.

Breast feeding is hard. How do I know this being a Dad? Because I got up every time my wife did when she breastfed my baby. Every time. I’m proud of that. There were times when I would feed Katie breast milk through a tiny tube taped to my pinky finger while my wife pumped because her nipples were just too sore to do it again at 3am. My wife would cry the entire time she was nursing sometimes because it hurt so bad. But she never gave up, and as long as she was willing to put in that amount of effort, I was going to be by her side supporting her. My wife is extremely grateful she stuck with it. So am I. It gets better, but it’s not easy like everyone makes you think. The benefits are well worth the effort though. Breast milk truly is the best way to go, but again, that is a decision you get to make. Not the world.

Learn to meditate. Seriously. If you can spend just 20 minutes a day re-centering yourself with meditation, it will make this entire process so much easier. Meditation brings clarity, peace and stability within yourself. It keeps you calm when you want to explode. 

It also helps you to learn to be in the moment. That in itself is one of the greatest tools you could ever possess. Being in the moment allows you to see the baby, and everything around you, for what it is. A true miracle. When he is screaming his head off and nothing you can do makes him stop, if you can be in the moment it will really help you to tune into what that baby needs from you. Sometimes it’s just to calm yourself. They can feel your energy, whether you believe in that stuff or not, it’s real. Staying calm and in the moment will help you figure out and appreciate everything more.

Here’s a big one. You will get frustrated, scared, annoyed, grumpy, sometimes angry and you will always worry. What you need to remember in those times is that it’s OK to feel what you feel. It’s never OK to project what you feel onto that baby. If you need to put him down for 5 minutes so you can go punch a pillow, or scream into it to vent some frustration, then do it. Don’t let that stuff bottle up inside you. It’s poison. Don’t forget that you’re human and that you have emotions too. Get back to your center so you can be the best parent in that moment that you can.

Recognize when you are that way, and be honest with each other. If you are on edge, carrying on a conversation with each other probably isn’t the best idea. Just be there for each other and shift your focus back onto that little miracle you have. It’s OK to be upset and angry, understand that lashing out at each other isn’t going to help. Let each other know when you’re there and give each other some space. You will come back to each other when the mood passes.

Remember that your baby’s only form of communication is crying at first. They cry when they are uncomfortable, when they are dirty, hungry, scared, etc. They have no vocabulary yet. I know this sounds obvious, but wait until he’s crying and you can’t figure out why. You will rack your brain trying to figure it out, you’ll go down the list of things in your head and check them off, only to have him still crying. It’s OK. Maybe he doesn’t like how you “feel” to him at the moment. Maybe the crying has caused a little more frustration or anxiety than you thought. Your baby can feel that. Your baby was inside of you for 9 months, you guys are tuned into each other. This is where meditating and being in the moment really pay off. You become aware of your feelings, and are able to shift out of being so anxious and just being there. There have been numerous times when our baby has calmed down simply because we’ve decided that she just wants to be angry and we accept it, letting it happen, and by not trying to add our own anxiety to the mix, we diffuse the entire situation.

Buy from second hand stores and garage sales. Don’t be too proud to save a dime now so you can get something later. Your kid will outgrow most of the newborn clothes they get as gifts before they even wear them. Don’t spend $40 on an outfit they will wear once when you can get the same thing for 50 cents at a thrift store. 

I could have basically summed all of this up by telling you one thing: You will feel so lost, you won’t have a clue if you are doing anything right, and everyone around you will have answers or a better way. Ultimately you will need to use what resonates with you, and let everything else go. You have a tiny miracle in your life now that changes the entire game. It doesn’t “end your life” by taking away freedom, it gives you memories and experiences that you never would have been able to have without him. It’s all about perspective. How do you choose to see this? 

I want you to know that if your parents tell you to call them at 3am (and I’m telling you both this now), it’s because they would rather be woken up by you crying at your wits end, then to have you feel like you have to suffer through the difficult times alone. You have help available, please be brave enough to ask for it.

For my son, I want to tell you something that I learned the hard way. It likely doesn’t apply to you, because you are a far better man than I was at your age, but it was one of my greatest lessons and I need to share it.

That baby comes through you, not for you. It is a privilege to be a parent, not a right. Never take your children for granted. Never look at them as any less than a small human being with the same rights you have. They are completely dependent on you. They need nurturing and compassion, not time alone to toughen up. Hold them, cradle them, tell them you love them. Don’t let your ego, your image or your friends ever dictate what type of person you are to that child. The military won’t always be there, hopefully that child will. Invest in your child emotionally. Let them know you make mistakes and that you are learning together. Say “I love you” often, and mean it when you say it. Don’t say it just because it’s a catchy phrase, it’s one of the most important phrases on the planet. And when you say it with conviction, it carries a completely different meaning than it does when you say it in passing because it was a conditioned response. Forget about what you look like in front of your friends, going out after work for a beer or 18 holes of golf isn’t more important than being there for your wife and child. Don’t let anything ever become more important than them.

I know you will make wonderful parents. You both are so carefree and loving. You’re in a good place. Trust in yourselves and the people around you. Know you will make mistakes, but babies are bendy and it’s OK.

I want you to know that I am very proud of you both, I always have been. You will make amazing parents and you have resources available. Please use them. Especially at 3am when all you can do is cry.

I love you both. I’m so excited to watch you take this journey. Thank you for this opportunity to be a Grandfather. I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of generations of good examples to follow there, so I think I’ll be OK. I think the best part about being a Grandparent so far is being able be there for you. It’s nice having you talk to me, share with me, and I will be forever grateful you’ve allowed me to go on this journey with you.

Continue to be the best version of you that you can be, and everything will work out just fine. I promise.