On Parenting

Today I’m going to speak mainly to my son and daughter in-law, but it will apply to anyone who is on the brink of becoming a new parent.

Many people may not think I should be giving advice about being a parent when I’ve managed to muddle the parenting of my older kids, but the truth is I’m not the same father they knew. I’m not the same man. So what I have to say is relevant and it comes from a perspective of love.

I want to let you know about some things that nobody told me about.

First, I want you to know that it’s totally fine to be scared, even terrified. Most of us at this stage have issues with taking care of ourselves, let alone another tiny human being. It’s OK. You will get through this.

It’s OK to not have an answer and to make it up as you go. I’m pretty sure your intent isn’t to harm the baby, so get creative! Need to pee but the kid is teething and freaks when you put him down? Then go pee with the baby, or… wait for it… put the baby down and go pee. It’s OK if he cries for a few minutes. It won’t break him.

When you first get home from the hospital with your new bundle of joy, it’s OK to tell people not to come visit. You will be tired, very tired. Sleep when the baby sleeps, nap when you can, and let the housework move a little lower down the list of priorities. Your main focus is that baby and rest, it’s OK if the dishes pile up a little or you wear the same sweatshirt as yesterday. If people want to visit, tell them they have to bring a dish of food or they will need to do a load of laundry or wash some dishes to help out if they want to see the baby. Seriously! If they don’t understand, then they probably don’t need to be in your life anyway.

To my son, if you have time at home (vacation) after the baby is born, do as much as possible to help Mom. Get up with her when she feeds in the middle of the night. Even if she breast feeds and all you can do is let her lean on you, do it. Be there for her. Build that bond early with your son. You won’t regret it.

It’s OK if you want the baby to sleep with you. People who say not to are going to quote crib manufacturers who say it isn’t safe. Our daughter still sleeps with us and will for as long as she likes to. I can’t believe I made my kids “cry it out” now that I’ve experienced this side. Think about that one, for centuries families have slept together in caves, tee-pees, cabins on the prairie, and then the industrial revolution kicks in and all of a sudden it’s not OK for your kids to sleep with you anymore. In a world that breeds separation and segregation, your home should be a place of gathering and love. Ultimately it’s your choice how you want to raise your child, don’t let people tell you “the best way” when they have no experience in anything else. Use your own judgement and follow your heart. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT. It’s your home, your rules, and you never have to apologize for it. Attachment parenting has been a gift to me, and I would love to teach you more about it if you’re interested.

Ask for help. You will be so overwhelmed with everything going on, there will be things that you think you will be able to do that keep getting put aside because the baby requires more attention than you planned for. Let friends and family run errands for you if they are willing. If someone asks if they can help, put their ass to work. If they offer a second time, you will know they are truly your friend.

Breast feeding is hard. How do I know this being a Dad? Because I got up every time my wife did when she breastfed my baby. Every time. I’m proud of that. There were times when I would feed Katie breast milk through a tiny tube taped to my pinky finger while my wife pumped because her nipples were just too sore to do it again at 3am. My wife would cry the entire time she was nursing sometimes because it hurt so bad. But she never gave up, and as long as she was willing to put in that amount of effort, I was going to be by her side supporting her. My wife is extremely grateful she stuck with it. So am I. It gets better, but it’s not easy like everyone makes you think. The benefits are well worth the effort though. Breast milk truly is the best way to go, but again, that is a decision you get to make. Not the world.

Learn to meditate. Seriously. If you can spend just 20 minutes a day re-centering yourself with meditation, it will make this entire process so much easier. Meditation brings clarity, peace and stability within yourself. It keeps you calm when you want to explode. 

It also helps you to learn to be in the moment. That in itself is one of the greatest tools you could ever possess. Being in the moment allows you to see the baby, and everything around you, for what it is. A true miracle. When he is screaming his head off and nothing you can do makes him stop, if you can be in the moment it will really help you to tune into what that baby needs from you. Sometimes it’s just to calm yourself. They can feel your energy, whether you believe in that stuff or not, it’s real. Staying calm and in the moment will help you figure out and appreciate everything more.

Here’s a big one. You will get frustrated, scared, annoyed, grumpy, sometimes angry and you will always worry. What you need to remember in those times is that it’s OK to feel what you feel. It’s never OK to project what you feel onto that baby. If you need to put him down for 5 minutes so you can go punch a pillow, or scream into it to vent some frustration, then do it. Don’t let that stuff bottle up inside you. It’s poison. Don’t forget that you’re human and that you have emotions too. Get back to your center so you can be the best parent in that moment that you can.

Recognize when you are that way, and be honest with each other. If you are on edge, carrying on a conversation with each other probably isn’t the best idea. Just be there for each other and shift your focus back onto that little miracle you have. It’s OK to be upset and angry, understand that lashing out at each other isn’t going to help. Let each other know when you’re there and give each other some space. You will come back to each other when the mood passes.

Remember that your baby’s only form of communication is crying at first. They cry when they are uncomfortable, when they are dirty, hungry, scared, etc. They have no vocabulary yet. I know this sounds obvious, but wait until he’s crying and you can’t figure out why. You will rack your brain trying to figure it out, you’ll go down the list of things in your head and check them off, only to have him still crying. It’s OK. Maybe he doesn’t like how you “feel” to him at the moment. Maybe the crying has caused a little more frustration or anxiety than you thought. Your baby can feel that. Your baby was inside of you for 9 months, you guys are tuned into each other. This is where meditating and being in the moment really pay off. You become aware of your feelings, and are able to shift out of being so anxious and just being there. There have been numerous times when our baby has calmed down simply because we’ve decided that she just wants to be angry and we accept it, letting it happen, and by not trying to add our own anxiety to the mix, we diffuse the entire situation.

Buy from second hand stores and garage sales. Don’t be too proud to save a dime now so you can get something later. Your kid will outgrow most of the newborn clothes they get as gifts before they even wear them. Don’t spend $40 on an outfit they will wear once when you can get the same thing for 50 cents at a thrift store. 

I could have basically summed all of this up by telling you one thing: You will feel so lost, you won’t have a clue if you are doing anything right, and everyone around you will have answers or a better way. Ultimately you will need to use what resonates with you, and let everything else go. You have a tiny miracle in your life now that changes the entire game. It doesn’t “end your life” by taking away freedom, it gives you memories and experiences that you never would have been able to have without him. It’s all about perspective. How do you choose to see this? 

I want you to know that if your parents tell you to call them at 3am (and I’m telling you both this now), it’s because they would rather be woken up by you crying at your wits end, then to have you feel like you have to suffer through the difficult times alone. You have help available, please be brave enough to ask for it.

For my son, I want to tell you something that I learned the hard way. It likely doesn’t apply to you, because you are a far better man than I was at your age, but it was one of my greatest lessons and I need to share it.

That baby comes through you, not for you. It is a privilege to be a parent, not a right. Never take your children for granted. Never look at them as any less than a small human being with the same rights you have. They are completely dependent on you. They need nurturing and compassion, not time alone to toughen up. Hold them, cradle them, tell them you love them. Don’t let your ego, your image or your friends ever dictate what type of person you are to that child. The military won’t always be there, hopefully that child will. Invest in your child emotionally. Let them know you make mistakes and that you are learning together. Say “I love you” often, and mean it when you say it. Don’t say it just because it’s a catchy phrase, it’s one of the most important phrases on the planet. And when you say it with conviction, it carries a completely different meaning than it does when you say it in passing because it was a conditioned response. Forget about what you look like in front of your friends, going out after work for a beer or 18 holes of golf isn’t more important than being there for your wife and child. Don’t let anything ever become more important than them.

I know you will make wonderful parents. You both are so carefree and loving. You’re in a good place. Trust in yourselves and the people around you. Know you will make mistakes, but babies are bendy and it’s OK.

I want you to know that I am very proud of you both, I always have been. You will make amazing parents and you have resources available. Please use them. Especially at 3am when all you can do is cry.

I love you both. I’m so excited to watch you take this journey. Thank you for this opportunity to be a Grandfather. I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of generations of good examples to follow there, so I think I’ll be OK. I think the best part about being a Grandparent so far is being able be there for you. It’s nice having you talk to me, share with me, and I will be forever grateful you’ve allowed me to go on this journey with you.

Continue to be the best version of you that you can be, and everything will work out just fine. I promise.