On Parenting

Today I’m going to speak mainly to my son and daughter in-law, but it will apply to anyone who is on the brink of becoming a new parent.

Many people may not think I should be giving advice about being a parent when I’ve managed to muddle the parenting of my older kids, but the truth is I’m not the same father they knew. I’m not the same man. So what I have to say is relevant and it comes from a perspective of love.

I want to let you know about some things that nobody told me about.

First, I want you to know that it’s totally fine to be scared, even terrified. Most of us at this stage have issues with taking care of ourselves, let alone another tiny human being. It’s OK. You will get through this.

It’s OK to not have an answer and to make it up as you go. I’m pretty sure your intent isn’t to harm the baby, so get creative! Need to pee but the kid is teething and freaks when you put him down? Then go pee with the baby, or… wait for it… put the baby down and go pee. It’s OK if he cries for a few minutes. It won’t break him.

When you first get home from the hospital with your new bundle of joy, it’s OK to tell people not to come visit. You will be tired, very tired. Sleep when the baby sleeps, nap when you can, and let the housework move a little lower down the list of priorities. Your main focus is that baby and rest, it’s OK if the dishes pile up a little or you wear the same sweatshirt as yesterday. If people want to visit, tell them they have to bring a dish of food or they will need to do a load of laundry or wash some dishes to help out if they want to see the baby. Seriously! If they don’t understand, then they probably don’t need to be in your life anyway.

To my son, if you have time at home (vacation) after the baby is born, do as much as possible to help Mom. Get up with her when she feeds in the middle of the night. Even if she breast feeds and all you can do is let her lean on you, do it. Be there for her. Build that bond early with your son. You won’t regret it.

It’s OK if you want the baby to sleep with you. People who say not to are going to quote crib manufacturers who say it isn’t safe. Our daughter still sleeps with us and will for as long as she likes to. I can’t believe I made my kids “cry it out” now that I’ve experienced this side. Think about that one, for centuries families have slept together in caves, tee-pees, cabins on the prairie, and then the industrial revolution kicks in and all of a sudden it’s not OK for your kids to sleep with you anymore. In a world that breeds separation and segregation, your home should be a place of gathering and love. Ultimately it’s your choice how you want to raise your child, don’t let people tell you “the best way” when they have no experience in anything else. Use your own judgement and follow your heart. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT. It’s your home, your rules, and you never have to apologize for it. Attachment parenting has been a gift to me, and I would love to teach you more about it if you’re interested.

Ask for help. You will be so overwhelmed with everything going on, there will be things that you think you will be able to do that keep getting put aside because the baby requires more attention than you planned for. Let friends and family run errands for you if they are willing. If someone asks if they can help, put their ass to work. If they offer a second time, you will know they are truly your friend.

Breast feeding is hard. How do I know this being a Dad? Because I got up every time my wife did when she breastfed my baby. Every time. I’m proud of that. There were times when I would feed Katie breast milk through a tiny tube taped to my pinky finger while my wife pumped because her nipples were just too sore to do it again at 3am. My wife would cry the entire time she was nursing sometimes because it hurt so bad. But she never gave up, and as long as she was willing to put in that amount of effort, I was going to be by her side supporting her. My wife is extremely grateful she stuck with it. So am I. It gets better, but it’s not easy like everyone makes you think. The benefits are well worth the effort though. Breast milk truly is the best way to go, but again, that is a decision you get to make. Not the world.

Learn to meditate. Seriously. If you can spend just 20 minutes a day re-centering yourself with meditation, it will make this entire process so much easier. Meditation brings clarity, peace and stability within yourself. It keeps you calm when you want to explode. 

It also helps you to learn to be in the moment. That in itself is one of the greatest tools you could ever possess. Being in the moment allows you to see the baby, and everything around you, for what it is. A true miracle. When he is screaming his head off and nothing you can do makes him stop, if you can be in the moment it will really help you to tune into what that baby needs from you. Sometimes it’s just to calm yourself. They can feel your energy, whether you believe in that stuff or not, it’s real. Staying calm and in the moment will help you figure out and appreciate everything more.

Here’s a big one. You will get frustrated, scared, annoyed, grumpy, sometimes angry and you will always worry. What you need to remember in those times is that it’s OK to feel what you feel. It’s never OK to project what you feel onto that baby. If you need to put him down for 5 minutes so you can go punch a pillow, or scream into it to vent some frustration, then do it. Don’t let that stuff bottle up inside you. It’s poison. Don’t forget that you’re human and that you have emotions too. Get back to your center so you can be the best parent in that moment that you can.

Recognize when you are that way, and be honest with each other. If you are on edge, carrying on a conversation with each other probably isn’t the best idea. Just be there for each other and shift your focus back onto that little miracle you have. It’s OK to be upset and angry, understand that lashing out at each other isn’t going to help. Let each other know when you’re there and give each other some space. You will come back to each other when the mood passes.

Remember that your baby’s only form of communication is crying at first. They cry when they are uncomfortable, when they are dirty, hungry, scared, etc. They have no vocabulary yet. I know this sounds obvious, but wait until he’s crying and you can’t figure out why. You will rack your brain trying to figure it out, you’ll go down the list of things in your head and check them off, only to have him still crying. It’s OK. Maybe he doesn’t like how you “feel” to him at the moment. Maybe the crying has caused a little more frustration or anxiety than you thought. Your baby can feel that. Your baby was inside of you for 9 months, you guys are tuned into each other. This is where meditating and being in the moment really pay off. You become aware of your feelings, and are able to shift out of being so anxious and just being there. There have been numerous times when our baby has calmed down simply because we’ve decided that she just wants to be angry and we accept it, letting it happen, and by not trying to add our own anxiety to the mix, we diffuse the entire situation.

Buy from second hand stores and garage sales. Don’t be too proud to save a dime now so you can get something later. Your kid will outgrow most of the newborn clothes they get as gifts before they even wear them. Don’t spend $40 on an outfit they will wear once when you can get the same thing for 50 cents at a thrift store. 

I could have basically summed all of this up by telling you one thing: You will feel so lost, you won’t have a clue if you are doing anything right, and everyone around you will have answers or a better way. Ultimately you will need to use what resonates with you, and let everything else go. You have a tiny miracle in your life now that changes the entire game. It doesn’t “end your life” by taking away freedom, it gives you memories and experiences that you never would have been able to have without him. It’s all about perspective. How do you choose to see this? 

I want you to know that if your parents tell you to call them at 3am (and I’m telling you both this now), it’s because they would rather be woken up by you crying at your wits end, then to have you feel like you have to suffer through the difficult times alone. You have help available, please be brave enough to ask for it.

For my son, I want to tell you something that I learned the hard way. It likely doesn’t apply to you, because you are a far better man than I was at your age, but it was one of my greatest lessons and I need to share it.

That baby comes through you, not for you. It is a privilege to be a parent, not a right. Never take your children for granted. Never look at them as any less than a small human being with the same rights you have. They are completely dependent on you. They need nurturing and compassion, not time alone to toughen up. Hold them, cradle them, tell them you love them. Don’t let your ego, your image or your friends ever dictate what type of person you are to that child. The military won’t always be there, hopefully that child will. Invest in your child emotionally. Let them know you make mistakes and that you are learning together. Say “I love you” often, and mean it when you say it. Don’t say it just because it’s a catchy phrase, it’s one of the most important phrases on the planet. And when you say it with conviction, it carries a completely different meaning than it does when you say it in passing because it was a conditioned response. Forget about what you look like in front of your friends, going out after work for a beer or 18 holes of golf isn’t more important than being there for your wife and child. Don’t let anything ever become more important than them.

I know you will make wonderful parents. You both are so carefree and loving. You’re in a good place. Trust in yourselves and the people around you. Know you will make mistakes, but babies are bendy and it’s OK.

I want you to know that I am very proud of you both, I always have been. You will make amazing parents and you have resources available. Please use them. Especially at 3am when all you can do is cry.

I love you both. I’m so excited to watch you take this journey. Thank you for this opportunity to be a Grandfather. I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of generations of good examples to follow there, so I think I’ll be OK. I think the best part about being a Grandparent so far is being able be there for you. It’s nice having you talk to me, share with me, and I will be forever grateful you’ve allowed me to go on this journey with you.

Continue to be the best version of you that you can be, and everything will work out just fine. I promise.

Creating a better world

When the power of love is greater than the love of power, the world will know peace. ~ Attributed to Bob Marley.

 

Is this even possible? I think it is. I have no idea how to do it peacefully. It would require the people currently in power to be not in power anymore. How do you topple a government peacefully? Not to mention that this needs to happen everywhere in the world.

These are the dilemmas that keep me awake at night. This furrows my brow more than any issue I currently have in my life right now. I know how to make my immediate life better. I’ve been doing it for about 6 months now, and it continues to improve on a daily basis. But to change the world… Now there is a challenge.

I think it has to start within each of us. We have to be willing to change on an individual basis. We change the world one person at a time. It’s really a war of attrition. Sooner or later, people who are tired of violence, hatred, labels and segregation will be the majority and there will be a tipping point.

How do we get there? I can only tell you about my journey, I can’t tell you how to make yourself happy. That’s the part people just don’t understand. You are the one responsible for your happiness. Not me, not your significant other… You and you alone are the one that has the power to make you smile.

It starts with a belief that there is more to this life than just getting up at 4am to go to a mundane job that you feel like you have to do in order to survive. It’s feeling a tug on your soul when you think of playing guitar, wanting to pick one up and learn to play it because the sound brings you joy. It’s listening to Wayne Dyer tell you that the power of the entire universe is inside you, and actually starting to believe it. It’s acting on your dreams because you were meant to be more than a slave to others.

The world today will do everything it can to bring you down. The media is made up of horrific image after image. They want you to watch and carry on that vibration. Fear is powerful. If we fear what is happening in the world, when we are confronted with it, we will exhibit more fear. Terrorists are scary. Bombings are scary. We poison our bodies with GMOs and processed food. There are heavy metals in vaccines that are supposed to protect us from disease, but cause autism and allergies in its place. We turn into this corporate byproduct that resembles Jabba the Hut, then wonder why we feel so sluggish and run down.

The only way a revolution is going to happen is if we start taking back control of our lives. We need to start growing our own food. We need to start meditating. We need to start realizing that we are so much more than the world tells us we are.

Right now, we as a society are our worst enemy. We spew hate. We shame people for the way they look. We denounce war and violence in one breath, and send our children off to fight it in the next. We label each other based on what society deems “normal” and ridicule those who don’t flow with the mainstream. We preach acceptance on Sunday, then say we have no room for refugees in the church parking lot, totally forgetting that Jesus was a refugee Himself!

If you want to clean up the world, I challenge you to first look within. Be the example of what you want to see. Clean up your own yard before talking about the leaves piling up in your neighbors. Stop looking for ways to hate each other and start looking for the good in everyone.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Wayne Dyer

What do you believe?

Do people understand that their beliefs shape the world around them? Most don’t, I think. If you are from India, and you believe that the cow is a sacred animal, would you not be appalled at the cattle farms that treat cows inhumanely and slaughter them for food? Does that not shape your feelings toward the owner of the farm? Is it possible that the owner of the farm doesn’t look at a cow as a living creature with a soul? In his mind he isn’t doing anything wrong, it is just a cow to after all.

We often place so much judgement on others for the things that they do, but we fail to understand that everyone is just a product of their belief system. The true tragedy is when we are unbending in that belief system and unwilling to see things from another perspective.

At one point in my life I believed that God was a bearded man who sat in the clouds and cast judgement down on those of us who were not worthy. We are all sinners and not worthy of God’s love. If I didn’t believe that God sent His son to Earth to die for our sins, I would be cast into a lake of fire for all of eternity. That sounds like a loving God to me and not a way to control and convert people into a more pliable state. Yes, that is sarcasm.

Now I believe that God is everything. I call Him Source now. I believe that we are first spiritual beings and this body is just a temporary shell we inhabit to experience this human life. We cannot truly die, the soul – your higher self – lives on. When we “die” we actually transition back to Source. It’s where we all came from, to it we all return. We transition, we cannot – ever – die.

Knowing that to be true for me, I now look at everything differently. Instead of seeing hatred and danger around every corner, I now see the beauty in everything. I am in awe of the way that flowers bloom because the same force opening those petals is the same force that makes my heart beat or causes me to take a breath. 

I believe that we are all connected, we are all from the same Source, you see. Instead of being frustrated in traffic during my 500 mile weekly commute, I now imagine myself expanding out and touching the people in other cars. I am calmer and I try to project that calm to other people.

Does me believing that there is no man in the sky also mean that people who believe in Allah or Shiva or those who worship nature are all freaks who have it all wrong? No. I see them for what they are. A product of their belief system.

I’ve often been told by Christians that it’s not required for me to believe in God for Him to be real. I now will ask you to listen to your own wisdom. I don’t expect people to read my blog and instantly convert to my way of thinking. That would be horrible! What would you have to build on as a foundation? We need experience to make us change.

7000 people meditating together on love can change the crime rate in the city they are meditating in by very drastic proportions. Scientists have measured the effect of mass meditations around the world and discovered it on a global scale. 

If we could learn to focus our attention on love, peace and helping each other, there would be no need for days like today. There would be no more need for war. There would be no more hunger or people living in the street. We have the resources to feed, clothe and house every single human on this planet. Why then do we allow the suffering?

Because we believe the people “in charge” have it right. Because it’s “just the way of the world” or “it’s just how the system works.”

The system is broken, the people in charge are wrong, and as long as we allow the status quo to remain the same, nothing will change.

Luckily, there is a shift happening in humanity. People are starting to wake up. There is far more spirituality and love in the world than we are allowing ourselves to notice, because we have been trained to focus on the distractions like football, all the hate and violence on the news, etc. Look at your Facebook feed. Is it full of recipes, media crap and complaining about things? What do you read about when you open the paper? How many feel good stories do you hear about from the media anymore? They are distractions causing you to focus on negative or meaningless things.

Today I challenge you to open your eyes to the world around you. I challenge you to move on to something that makes you feel good when you come across a negative post on Facebook. Don’t give it energy. Is it any wonder that they call it a "news feed?" They are feeding you the fuel to keep the ball rolling. When you start to pay attention to what is fed to you, it starts to leave a bitter taste in your mouth. What most of us fail to realize is that the system is an illusion. The only thing keeping you down is yourself.

Look at the things that are introduced to you. Choose to either acknowledge it or don’t. But understand that the choice is yours. 

Happy Veteran’s Day everyone. My wish is that every Veteran, past or present, finds peace this day and that we no longer have a need to honor our Veterans. I may not see it in my lifetime, but I hope to. A world that comes together in peace to elevate each other will have no need for war, thus, no need for the Veteran.

Namaste.

Semper Fi, Marines!

240 years ago in a small tavern in Philadelphia, a couple of guys got together and established 2 battalions of Marines. Before the Declaration of Independence was written, Marines were there. Before our original 13 colonies were even The United States, the Marines were there.

There is an interesting thing about Marines that a lot of people don’t understand. We share the traditions of every Marine. We carry the legacy of Chesty Puller, Dan Daly, John Basilone, Douglas Zembiec. We share the victories and losses of our brothers and sisters still fighting. We are one.

Now more than ever I despise politics and all its corruption. Now I can see it for what it really is. I have no respect for the people governing this nation who send our children to war for political or economic gains. These men and women leading our nation exploit the blood of our youth for their own purposes. Countless lives have been lost – and for what? So we can bring democracy to a country that has been at war for over 1400 years that just happens to be one of the richest oil nations in the region. 

This is the job of the Marine in most people’s eyes. We were conditioned from the very beginning to believe that the Marines were the best. Who didn’t grow up with movies like Iwo Jima? 

Marine loyalty, dedication, tradition and camaraderie do not come from carrying out the orders of politicians. Marines are mighty because they are selfless. This may come as a shock to some of you, but follow along with me here. 

Dakota Meyer willingly went into almost certain death to extract 12 of his comrades in Afghanistan. John Basilone fought against 3000 Japanese soldiers until, at the end, only he and two other Marines were left standing. Chesty Puller led Marines in WW2 and Korea and did so in a way that immortalized him among us. He led from the front, without fear of death, and he loved every single one of the Marines under his care.

Story after story is told of courage under fire, modern day stories of Marines helping their community, being the example.

One thing I will always be grateful for is that they were the first to teach me about being a part of something bigger than myself. I learned to accept death in my 20’s. There is a freedom that comes with that like you cannot imagine. 

You may think that Marines are arrogant, short fused, egotistical and reckless. They are. It serves a purpose. We boast not only our own accomplishments, but those of the Marines that came before us. We share a legacy with heroes. I served with heroes. I walked among men who served their time in the Marine Corps, then got out to continue that service to the public by being police officers, paramedics, scientists, teachers. Most of the time they do it with more passion and COMpassion than their civilian counterparts. Marines know what it feels like to be beat down and miserable, you see.

The Marines make you realize that your life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, while at the same time placing you on a pedestal so high that you become invincible. Marines are the epitome of living in the moment. Give them a task, a hill to take, or a person to protect, and they will literally give their lives to see it completed.

They teach us to not take things seriously. Some of the funniest memories I have were in the grimmest of circumstances. The night before we went into Kuwait our Company Commander got us all together and said, “Look to your left. Now look to your right. One of those two Marines won’t be there tomorrow.” I immediately turned to my friend Ricky and said, “It sucks to be you!”

We cheat death, we prevail, we win. We lead, we love hard and fight harder. And we would do it all at the cost of our own life if it meant that another could have the chance to walk out of it alive. That doesn't end when our oath of enlistment is over. It's part of us.

Today I hope I have brought a new perspective to this anomaly called Marine, and I challenge you to look past the arrogance and to thank that Marine for volunteering to serve. Tell a Marine “Happy Birthday” and watch his chest swell up with pride. Watch his eyes as his thoughts go back to harder days and see them brighten. 

We don’t do what we do because we want to, we win because we are more afraid of letting our brothers down than we are of dying. That makes us mighty. 

Mighty selfless.

Semper Fi, Marines. I hope today finds you at peace.

Don't worry, be happy!

I’ve been meditating 24 days in a row now. I’ve been drinking lemon water every morning for over a week. I received a “Harmonizing Energy Session” from a new friend in Australia yesterday and we cleared a blockage I had to receiving money. We have eaten about 90% organic this weekend as well. 

I feel amazing.

This journey has been one of insight. I’ve had to look at myself over the past few weeks, not because it’s required for spiritual growth, but because spiritual growth requires it. It becomes voluntary. If you want to move forward, you have to consistently become a better person than you were yesterday. It’s no easy feat.

I look back at my Facebook posts from a year ago and it’s full of images of Marine emblems, advertisements for the Marine Corps Birthday, and a smattering of insightful memes that indicated the beginning of me getting serious about myself and my personal growth. When I regress and think back to how I was feeling at that time, all I can muster is this staggering sense of pride over being a Marine. The Marine Corps birthday was more cause for celebration that my own birthday. I was – am – part of something bigger. I felt purposeful and important because of the hardships I’ve suffered to make other people rich on the blood of strangers.

As you can probably tell by my last statement, I don’t hold those same values today. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be a Marine. I will always look on the men that I served with as giants in this world. Because they are. The Marine Corps will always be a part of my life, they taught me how to be a man. I joined when I was 17, I grew up in the Marines.

But in 2016 I think I will celebrate me. I will celebrate the fact that I make my own decisions in life now. I will celebrate the fact that I belong to an even bigger organization called the Human Race. Our area of operation is the globe, and as long as people suffer on this self-sustainable planet, I will spread my message to all that will listen.

Stress and anxiety are my enemies now. I choose to conquer hatred and spread love. Mine is a path of peace.

I look back on all the years I have lived and wonder, just briefly, what my life would be like right now had I not started this journey. I stay there just for a second, then I release that thought into the cosmos because it just doesn’t matter. It’s impossible to know. All I have is right now, and right now is pretty amazing.

The fun part is that this is a never-ending path that only gets better the more time you spend on it. Once you’ve tasted how sweet this feels, it’s nearly impossible to go backwards. It would actually take effort for me to stop acting happy. Besides, I don’t want to do that.

Living in the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t even look ahead. I get so excited when I think about where I will be in a year. I get excited when I think about what our garden will be like next spring. I can’t imagine loving my wife and kids more than I do now, but I know in a year, I will be even closer to them. 

Living in the moment means that you understand this moment is all you truly have control over. And the control you have is limited at best. It means that you actually stop and smell the flowers. It means you stop worrying about how bad traffic is on your commute because you can’t make the cars in front of you move any faster than they are now. You control your own actions, not those of anyone else. It means finding the beauty in what used to be mundane. 

When you start doing that, you have no idea how much lighter you feel. Stress doesn’t even figure into you day. If other people want to get worked up over a deadline, or that the boss is coming, then let them. You sit there and just do what you do, do it to the best of your ability, and honestly just let the chips fall where they may. How much of your work (your job is a dictatorship in most cases) do you really have control of? Once you can apply it at work, start to apply it at home.

Stop trying to control the mood of your partner. Stop feeling responsible for their happiness. Work on your own happiness. Your energy will be contagious. You are never responsible for anyone other person’s happiness. The only person that can make someone happy is themselves. Period. Sit on that for a minute if you need to.

So today, I’m sure you’ve guessed, your homework is to let go of all negativity in your life. Stop trying to impress people at work. Do your job, do it well, and do it because you want to. Do it because it’s the “right” thing to do. Don’t do it for praise from others. Don’t do it to get ahead. And if your work doesn’t resonate with you on a soul level, then why are you even doing it? Find what makes you giddy inside, and do that.

Today, just be responsible for you and how you feel. Don’t leave your happiness up to someone else. They will never be capable of making you happy all of the time, only you can do that.

Pay attention to people around you. Thank them when they say, “you’ve changed." Tell them you love them. Be that person that everyone in the office jokes about because you are always happy and it “makes them sick” to see it all the time. After all, nobody can be that happy all of the time… Right? WRONG! Happiness is a choice.

Make happiness your choice today.

Namaste.