It's been a long time since I posted, and because of that, this will likely be a long read. I have a lot to get off my chest, however, and since this blog is therapy for me - and an option for you - I don't see the harm in it.
The previous posts are all about being on your "high flying disc" as Abraham Hicks would put it. It's easy to look around from up there and see where you need to go next, but what happens when you fall off it?
The last month has been one of the most challenging I have ever had. I have more empathy for single parents now than I ever did. I started my day by going to work, then I would come home and take care of the baby, clean, cook and get the baby ready for bed. My wife would go to sleep when the kid did around 6:30, so I basically spent my evenings alone. Wake up the next day and wash, rinse, repeat.
It really didn't take long for me to stop meditating, and I could feel the results of that immediately. I started to get angry quicker, I was more irritable, I was exhausted at the end of the day and woke up the next morning forcing thoughts of calling in sick to work out of my head.
I would get to work and be unhappy. It started to permeate everything and I carried it like a weight. It was obvious to my wife, I'm sure my daughter recognized it, but I would try to put on my best face for them regardless and power through the day.
It sucked. But let me tell you why. Because I was looking at it (most of the time) through the eyes of my ego. My ego feels like I should get something back for my efforts. My ego wonders if she is really as sick as she presents. My ego is all about MY comfort and people serving me. Love is about serving others.
I tried to remind myself during my quiet time at night about how all of that was selfish and I would remind myself about the lessons of Wayne, James, Radleigh, Abraham, and those great teachers I listened to and read. I would feel a little better at night, tell myself I need to make time to meditate in the morning, and start my day the same way I had the previous one.
Yesterday we were listening to a clip of Tony Robbins talking about getting back up after being down. He said that even he still gets down, but the difference is he doesn't stay there. It's a choice whether or not you let yourself feel that way. You are in control of your own happiness, and you have the power to pick yourself up.
Yesterday I also got my wife back. She seemed to turn a corner and I know for a fact she was feeling better because she started talking when I got home and didn't stop until she went to bed. It was like we hadn't seen each other in a month, and in a sense, we hadn't.
Yesterday was also one of the worst days at work I have had in a LONG time.
All of it came together and I realized I had a choice to make. I could continue down the road I was on, feeling used up and tired, or I could take back control of my life. I chose to take my life back.
So here I am today, and let me tell you the difference in perspective is amazing. I now look back at that month and think of how amazing it was to be able to spend that much time with my daughter. She was frustrating at times, when she gets tired she pushes buttons on purpose, but the majority of the time we played. We watched her TV shows, we cuddled and had tea parties. I have a stronger connection with my child right now than I ever had with any of my other kids. And that's a shame. I missed out on so much. That's a topic for another day, though.
Today I meditated. Today I am grateful for the job I have. Today I am thankful for a wife who, even thought she couldn't even shower some days without throwing up, never stopped saying thank you to me for being there for them.
It really is about perspective. This last month has proven that to me. You see what you choose to see. My wife is having a good day so far. But this evening could be another story. That doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is after all. Today I am choosing to see the positive. Today I take my life back and stop feeling sorry for myself. Today I am going to be the man my wife thinks I am.
Today I challenge you to be the best version of you that you can be. Not for anyone else but yourself. See the good. We have enough negativity from other sources in our lives, don't be a contributing factor. Don't create your own obstacles.
Put love first. Put yourself first. That doesn't mean that I stop doing what I need to do, it means that I don't need to be resentful for doing it. Because love is about service. It's about sacrifice and giving. There is so much more reciprocation from the universe when you put love first.
Today is a new day. Today is your day. Seize it.
